You can see the foreword to this journal entry >>>HERE<<<
23 October 2015
And I said this to my body…
“I want to be your friend”
It took a long breath and replied…
“I have been waiting my whole life for this”
I read the above this morning on Instagram. So simple… so beautiful.
It is time for my mind and body to make amends and to become friends again.
I want my mind and body to be succinct; I want them to interact positively, to have fun and to feel free in a loving and accepting relationship with one another. I want the mind to have more confidence and acceptance of the body, I want the mind to have respect and admiration for the body and I want my body to have patience with my mind as it learns to love and accept itself as a whole once more. I want this relationship to be unconditional.
My body endured cancerous cells multiplying and invading my lymph system, it helped show me that there was something wrong by constantly making me feel fatigue and a general lack of coping until it guided me to find the lump (cancer). It then, courageously survived surgery and learnt to drain lymphatic fluid to other parts of the body – my body is so clever.
My body took on an IVF cycle taking synthetic drugs to bring on powerful ovulation so that it could create perhaps the last eggs my body would ever be able to produce. It successfully created with the help of my husband, three amazingly beautiful embryos… our little snow babies.
My body battled chemotherapy, when every living cell was destroyed every three weeks; it tenaciously worked in repairing these cells ready to be destroyed all over again. It kept standing up and carrying me, and it kept re-building. I am in awe of my incredibly tough and resilient body.
My body took on the harmful and damaging toxins and burning of radiotherapy, day after day it took hit after hit. Burning the exterior of my body and tearing apart the inside destroying any potential remnants of cancerous cells. It then formed permanent scar tissue on the inside to repair the damage and it feels this pain daily, the body sometimes stopping me in my tracks with intense rib pain. A constant reminder of what a soldier my body was to endure that.
The drugs, the dreaded (post cancer) drugs I expose my body to daily. Creating a constant chemical imbalance of hormones, sending the body into crisis with no choice but to keep my thirty-one year old body in a state of menopause, lashing out with hot flushes and tumultuous moods because it is in a state of despair and trying to operate without the crucial hormones in which it’s supposed to have. The body slows down my metabolism, not to be cruel and gain weight but to survive and adjust to the chemical imbalance in the only way it knows how. The body composition has no choice but to change. It has adapted and the true nature of my biology is no longer that of a thirty-one year old woman in terms of it’s internal operation.
To my body, you’re quite simply fucking fabulous, how clever are you! How resilient you are! How intelligent you are to keep me going after everything you have been subjected to.
My Body – I thank you, I commend you, and I am so sorry for constantly disrespecting you. Every time I feel self loathe, every time I am disgusted with your reflection, every day that I curse cancer and what it has changed, is a kick in your side that you don’t deserve. It’s a negligence of respect that is highly payable and more often than not, not paid. If you were another person, you would hate me for the thoughts that I project onto you. So even worse, this body is mine, and I am so incredibly cruel and unaccepting of you. I am so sorry that words don’t seem to be enough. I am genuinely shaking and crying as these words are typed across the screen. My poor body, you have been treated poorly for long enough, you have been ostracised and not welcomed (by my mind), you have been treated separately without unity, there has been a disconnection, yet with so much pressure and constant expectations to be better than you are. I have used and abused you, I have been unfair and unkind and I need to reconcile this with you. My mind has been the most grueling bully, not letting up and not backing down, having unreasonable expectations and in turn been judgemental, unaccepting of your previous hardships and unaccepting of who you are and how hard you have worked to just simply keep me here.
My body, you are kind, you are loving and you are nurturing, because of your loyalty and spirit to fight and keep me “together” I am here and my children still have their mum and my husband still has his wife and my family still have their sister and daughter and my friends still have their friend.
The time has come to pay respect and learn the skill of acceptance of my body and to love my body just as it is. No, it is not as it was in terms of it’s exterior, it probably never will be despite my hard work. I will probably never feel the same way again in a swimsuit, nor will I adorn short shorts or midriff tops. It’s hardly a world crisis, nevertheless, it takes time to heal and time to learn to love oneself wholly again. There is no quick fix, it will continue to be painful in my attempt to heal and love myself once more, but I make a promise to myself today that when I become negative, critical or unkind to my body I will read this to remind myself that as a whole and particularly when my mind and body truly make amends, I will remember the courageous fight of both mind and body and I will endeavor to give it my all and realise that I am a goddess within… If I can believe their truly is a goddess within me, then the goddess will have the ability to shine outward and I will love her – as she is – unconditionally.
………………………… end of entry.
I understand that not all of those who read this are cancer survivors or fighters. However, I do hope that this message is somewhat universal.
The essence of these words is to stimulate peace between mind and body. By creating a mutual respect for each element that makes us who we are, so that we can enjoy harmony as opposed to war. A war within (internally) is extremely self-destructive and inefficient – it gets in the way, it holds us back and it makes life incredibly difficult, as if there is a brick wall in our way or we are held back from truly enjoying life because we are at war with ourselves. If we respect the ‘mind’s’ challenges, and in return, respect the body and the vessel in which the mind is carried, we can then enjoy being ‘ourselves’. If there is unity in mind and body then we can experience life in a whole new way.
Let your barriers down and respect yourself, both in mind and body.
I have a few more points to add to this topic, this is only one dimension. So if I don’t get back to it in ‘Blog-tober’ I will certainly address this afterwards.
© Copyright 2016 becbraid