Blog-tober, Cancer Diaries, Mind + Heart + Soul
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I’m Only Human

I have procrastinated in terms of what topic I am going to write today. Some days I pre-organise a few blogs (which takes all day) and other days I just see what I feel… and type. I have a loose list of subjects in which I aim to cover during ‘Blog-tober’, however, it holds enough flexibility that I can work on what I’m feeling rather than what is scheduled. If I’m too rigid, I end up with writers block because I HAVE to write about a particular topic. My words come straight from my heart so if I’m not naturally feeling something, it is just not going to convey as authentically.

Today – I am human. I have been blogging for fourteen days straight. When I said I set myself a challenge, I certainly did. Writing every single day to a standard I am happy with is a job which keeps me busy, busy, busy. Today I’ve prepped an upcoming blog, but I’m not in the mind-set to put the final polish on my work. So that leaves me with no blog… I lie… it leaves me with this blog ‘I’m only human’.

Why am I only human?

Today I have done little to nothing. I woke and stayed in bed when hubby and daughter left for work/school. I had my threenager come and jump into bed with me where we giggled and tickled and I listened to his long and entertaining stories. I showered, left my bed unmade and washing on the floor.

I packed teddies and superheroes – and headed to the shops for coffee and subway. Off to his favourite park, we set up a teddy bear’s picnic, enjoyed lunch in the sunshine and a play on the equipment (all with leaving a bomb of a mess at home) – Some days you just have to get up and get out of the house regardless of what you’re leaving behind.

I had intentions of coming home and while my threenager had a sleep, I would wash our sheets and do the rest of the laundry… washing/hanging/fold/pack away… REPEAT. BUT…. I didn’t.

I instead put him to bed and I watched the Bachelorette (as I missed it last night), I caught a twenty-minute nap and I prepared for my upcoming blog ‘Hair Diaries’ (stay tuned).

It’s now 5.50pm – hubby has arrived home. After declaring earlier today that I would make something healthy for dinner, I’ve just said, “I’m not cooking, lets get pizza”, and just like that, the intention of both cooking and eating healthy are both out the window and I couldn’t be happier.

The bed, is still unmade and unwashed, I didn’t exercise as I’d also anticipated for this afternoon and I plan on watching some Netflix with hubby while we let our son watch cartoons before bed… bad parents… and I don’t care.

I’m in gym gear having not exercised, I’m sitting hear typing and have not done a single bit of cleaning up or housework. Yet, it’s FRI-YAY and I’m feeling pretty good, despite the lack of organisation that surrounds me.

Here is an excerpt from a diary entry during chemotherapy (when writing the above, it triggered me to an entry I remember writing and it went hand in hand)…

A journal entry – 23 September 2014…

“We all want control over our life. I, by nature becoming a mum at only eighteen years young, being independent for so many years before meeting my husband, I’ve always wanted and needed control over my own future. I like to think I’m a “go with the flow” kinda girl, however, I’m probably not as “free going” as I’d like to be. I like plans, I like structure and I like control – Not control over other people, I just need a sense of control within my own life.”

“Well – guess what? Cancer removes all control you have over your own life (at least during the treatment process). I have never in my entire life felt such a sense of boundary or confinement as I do now. I’m no longer calling the shots – cancer is.”

“What I’m getting at, is that if I can learn anything from this experience when I get to regain some normality of life without feeling like I’ve been run over by a truck every 3 weeks with chemo, then chained to radiation every day. I want to live a little more freely.”

“Responsibilities of life will always remain; I am a parent and a wife. I can’t just turn into a hippy and do what suits myself; however, I want to loosen the reigns on life – let go of the control that I sensed so much as security. I don’t want power and control to take away from this life defining experience that has the ability albeit a negative experience to detract from what positives can come out of this.”

“I want to live my life with less constraints and boundaries and less “What if” questions… I just want to live and love and be in every single moment without distractions on the practicalities of life that can bring us all down.”

“I guess I do want to be a little unrealistic, unruly, unplanned – I want to improvise as we go as a family and I want this experience to define us in a means of moving forward and letting go…. living our life and throwing out the conventional rule book.”

Well guess what… mission accomplished, even if I do say so myself. Today is a perfect example of just going with the flow and ignoring all of life’s practicalities… today I enjoyed my little human and I don’t feel guilty at all for my lack of motivation around the house. Guess what… it’s all still waiting for me, and waiting it will do….

Happy Friday everyone – Have a fantabulous weekend.

Bec x

P.S. Just roll with it.

 

© Copyright 2016 becbraid

1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Breast Cancer Awareness Month | becbraid

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