If you missed Part 1 of this blog, you can read it HERE
Hard Truth 2
Dear Diary… 6 August 2014 (After my first chemo)
“I had been building on the mindset with regard to the drugs (chemo)… Poison or cure? The more I thought of poison the more negativity and anger pent up inside me, making me anxious and not ready! Not ready for what??? I want and need to be here, I love and appreciate my life, I need to fight and to do that I NEED chemotherapy!”
*Hard Truth: Accept what is. Accept what you cannot change.
[Rise to adversity and maneuver your way through the ‘detour’ until you find a new road].
Save your energy in fighting against what you cannot change. Accept and adapt to whatever adversity has thrown you off course. I believe before my diagnosis I spent way too much time fighting against things that could not be changed. I can also tell you first hand, that this causes unnecessary stress and illness.
Reflection 1 (after first cancer): whilst you need to accept what you cannot change, you also need to give yourself an opportunity to grieve the loss of your life once known. Change is difficult and I fluctuated between the good fight and the struggled/twisted/painful fight. I did not learn these lessons instantaneously. There is a process like anything in life. I just knew in this instance that I needed to change my mindset – for example: instead of thinking about chemotherapy as poison, it was important that I saw it as my cure.
Reflection 2 (after second cancer): I talk a lot about acceptance (and surrendering) so much so that I have an upcoming blog devoted to this subject alone. In addition to my initial reflection, similarly to chemotherapy, I had to change my train of thought when it came to losing my breasts in my second fight. Instead of thinking it’s going to be a massacre to my body, a loss I wasn’t ready for – I needed to see it as a means of necessity and safeguard. Finding balance with acceptance continues to take me to a place of peace. If I didn’t accept some of the things that have happened in my life, then I would feel tortured, every-single-day! Acceptance is not just a word, it’s not just a fleeting statement – for me, it’s a way of life.
Accept what is. Accept what you cannot change.
Hard Truth 3
Dear Diary… 7 August 2014 (Day 2 post chemo)
“Laying frustrated, trying to sleep, relaxation music on, face is hot, like I can actually feel my skin drying out each second. Trying my best to drink as much water as possible to flush toxins. My head aches, my eyes are sore and tired but I’m ok in my tummy. I feel weird, waiting for it to really take hold of my body, hoping… praying that maybe I wont get sick?! I just want to sleep but can only manage short spurts. I feel lazy, who lies in bed all day. I know I need rest but I’m not sure how to? I want to get out in fresh air but my body feels heavy, like every little thing feels a little harder to do. My neck is heavy and I just don’t feel light and refreshed but I am ok! I-AM-OK…. I-WILL-BE-OK…. I know I will be. I-HAVE-TO-BE.”
*Hard Truth: Life is not fair and just… AND NEVER WILL BE.
Reflection 1 (after first cancer): Once I got over the fact that life had become shit really, really quickly, I found this little mantra a basic way for me to re-connect with my fight and become grounded… I would simply say to myself whenever I felt defeated… “I am OK”. Quite simple really, however, because it is a present tense statement it is more powerful than you think. I learnt to say this even if the fear of death entered my mind, because even if I was going to die or am going to die (we all are), I am STILL OK right now in this very moment.
Reflection 2 (after second cancer): Tears fill my eyes right now reading that diary entry… I remember it like it was yesterday and that’s why pain fills my heart. I was frightened beyond belief, my body was failing me and my soul had died a little… I was giving into chemo through the physical effects I was enduring. I was allowing my mind to go down with my body. Allowing these dreaded drugs to take hold of my emotional power.
I was feeling extremely sorry for myself, and rightly so, this was foreign territory, I didn’t know what to do or think. I didn’t know if I’d ever feel like myself again. As we experience more and more of life, we learn that at times, life is simply unfair. We only have to look around our inner circle or our community, or turn on the news to hear of devastation, disease, pain and misfortune… I had to take ownership and claw back my emotional spirit and my power of choice, why? Because life is not fair and just… AND IT NEVER WILL BE!!! I could still be living through the sentiment of, ‘life is unfair’, but the reality is, life is not fair for anyone and I didn’t want to drown in a pity party, that shit’s exhausting – and so I didn’t.
Life is not fair and just… AND NEVER WILL BE.
Day 4 (tomorrow) will complete the final Part of ‘Hard Truths’ – Stay tuned.
Love Bec x
P.S. If you’d like to keep up to date with Blogtober, you can do so HERE.
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