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The Day Before My Bilateral Mastectomy…

Well the time has come where I am saying, “One more sleep!”  Tomorrow I embark on the first stage of kicking cancer to the curb for the second time.  Around lunch time tomorrow, I will be undergoing a bilateral mastectomy, sentinel node biopsy and the first stage of reconstructive surgery.

I’ve recorded another video diary during the blissful afternoon I had at home (alone).  I am so blessed that my family respected my need for space this afternoon to do what I need to do to get my mind ready for tomorrow.  In saying that, I wasn’t even sure what it was I needed to do, but my goodness I’m so glad I had some down time, some quiet time to myself.

You can even tell I was relaxed during the recording, because when I watched it back, I was talking soooooo slowly – so clearly I was very zen! Yay!

My afternoon that followed the below video diary was incredible.  I was able to cry, move slowly, pack my bag, listen to music, watch the latest episode of ‘Younger’ and just be and do whatever I wanted.  I currently sit with a warm cup of Tumeric tea while I wait for everyone to arrive home.  After I upload this, I just need to wrap some little pressies for both my children, so they get something special from me whilst I’m in hospital to let them know I love them and I’m thinking of them while I can’t be at home.

So here it is and I’m hoping post surgery I’ll be feeling up to my writing again (which is my true passion) – the video’s are just because I’m lazy at the moment and don’t have the mind space to sit and truly express how I feel.  Happy Thursday and I’ll be back, minus two breasts…. BUT most importantly MINUS CANCER!!!!! Let’s do this!

Bec x

 

 

Approaching Bilateral Mastectomy…

Hi again – I’m back with another video diary.  Take a look below, I know as a writer, I have mostly just blogged and written in a traditional sense… yet I’m finding a peaceful and therapeutic benefit in doing these video diaries.  Writing takes time and energy and for me, I’m either naturally drawn to it (that’s when I do my best work) or I’m not.  Lately, the thought of typing out my emotions is just not calling me.  Yet to film whatever comes to mind is seeming to prove a beneficial process for me (whether people watch or not).

To update my readers if you’re not on Instagram.  I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer again.  This diagnosis comes just shy of my four year anniversary which was brutal news to hear.  My previous blog post HERE is my first video diary where I begin to share what the experience is like second time around.

Bec x

 

P.S. I’m having a lot of trouble uploading my videos and making them small enough to share onto my website (a very clunky process so far).  I’m just filming on my phone and I seem to randomly speak for around the 13 minute mark.  If anyone has any tips (or knows a video pro) on a program or an app that will make recording or converting files a little easier, let me know.  Thanks x

Breast Cancer… AGAIN!

This video diary was unplanned and somewhat just happened.  In a split second I felt compelled to talk (and I was alone) so I chose to record myself.  I didn’t have a plan of what to say or whether there would be a theme of any sort, I think sometimes you just (well, me as a writer does anyway) have this overwhelming need to get an idea or a passing thought down on paper.  I love journalling and this is exactly that.  It’s not exciting, its just real – it’s me talking candidly about my new diagnosis and how I’m coping with it.  This video diary in the very moment of recording (Friday 29th July 2018 at 6.02pm), made me feel less alone and less inside my own head – it was extremely therapeutic.

 

Big ideas for blogs, for my book, or just in general come to me all the time, yet sometimes through the formality of writing and structuring, it can become too edited, too perfected.  In this video blog… it’s just me processing one thought at a time.  It’s real.  It’s me.

 

I’ve had all kinds of trouble uploading this file (hence the poor quality) by trying to make it smaller etc… so next time, I think I may just ‘Inta Live’!  I’ve never done that before (eeeek a bit scary – but so is cancer – so I reckon I could give it a go).  I think as I approach my surgery, face my fears and try and remain somewhat calm in a distressing time in my life, this will be good for me to come back to when I need to find rational balance.

All we have is now… One life… Live it!

Bec x

Full Moon Energy

Washing away the last of what no longer serves me amongst the remaining full moon energy in the beach today. There’s nothing quite like a swim in the ocean to cleanse and heal.

Did you know the energy of the full moon begins a couple of days before and lasts for a couple of days after? Which means you have plenty of time to hone in and make the most of it. During this time, I choose to become aware and enlightened to what is blocking me from being me, mindfulness of this makes it easier to release, set free and let go…

I ask myself (and you should too) – what is weighing me down? What makes my tummy churn? What is misaligned with what I am trying to achieve? What is in the way? What qualities or actions or self-talk within myself is holding me back? What myths do I need to squash? What unhealthy habits are keeping me from a higher clarity?

You might even like to write a list of all the things you don’t wish to carry forward – you may keep as a reminder to yourself, or instead you could burn the list to symbolise the new beginning that a full moon gifts to us and the facets of our life that we choose to set free.

Each moon cycle offers me the opportunity if I truly tune in to the timings and energy forces, where I choose to shed, refine and adjust or re-align my sights on the direction of my choosing. If you move with the energy instead of against it, then you will reap the benefits of a life in flow – a life, which moves with grace and fluidity. I no longer leave room for forced actions or unnatural participation in life. I think after I was forced to confront the possibility of premature mortality (after my diagnosis of a life threatening disease – cancer), it allowed me the clarity to stop showing up half-heartedly. It also gave me a backbone, which I’d probably lacked up until that point in my life.

A side note with regard to cancer and for anyone out there currently fighting, or for the survivors (or if you are someone facing grave fears right now) – the fears of mortality don’t dissipate completely, I used to really struggle when the fear would bubble to the surface and drop me to my knees – it’s so indescribably painful and confronting… I have however, learnt to re-channel that fear so that the heightened energy can be instilled into something great. I allow my fear to be what it is, REAL. I let it take my breath away, I let the tears flow and I allow in that moment to let myself be terrified. I then breathe it right into my soul and use it to propel me further and further forward. It generally takes me to the most beautiful place of gratitude.

We can’t be switched on and running at 100% – 24/7… I think it’s a common misconception and destructive self-belief if that’s the kind of pressure we have on ourselves, or worse, if we allow others to expect that of us. There is no longer room in my life for perfection. Perfection doesn’t allow for the natural ebbs and flows of life. The sooner you can welcome gentle self-kindness, a little chaos, imperfection and uninhibited quirkiness into your world, the better! You may surprise yourself in how light you will feel and you may even rekindle that special relationship with yourself.

I’ve been consciously shedding and refining and openly learning for most of my adult life. I’ve learnt to let my intuition guide me, and through each major life event that I’ve lived through – has gifted me distinct outcomes and beliefs. My hurdles have paved a life of greater clarity time and time again!

So it’s not just the full moon energy in which I write about. It’s tapping into exactly where you’re at (your own energy), and what you need! Seek intuitively which direction you will head and what you will do for yourself to get there?

I know I’m about to give myself a little break over these school holidays to let be and move more slowly while the kids are off school and out of routine – I LOVE a good break from routine.

Bec x

Eating Happiness

You know those moments when you feel so happy that you could burst?

How do you fill your soul – so that pure joy radiates like a smile through your whole being?

I experienced one of those soul-fulfilling moments yesterday and it reminded me how simply and easily I can fill my soul with a warm glow (if I allow it). That pure ecstatic feeling where you can simply smile at the most random of moments? Because your heart is full!

Observing George (my Mr five) aka ‘Observing the magic’:

The magic in his eyes, the innocence, the pure and uninterrupted joy, the energy and fulfilment without the need for anything more!

The cheekiness, the candidness and the natural air of enjoyment… he has an effortless being of happiness, which radiates as a warm and loving glow all around him, which then lovingly extends to myself – I feel his magic!

The laughter, THAT uninhibited laughter – you want to bottle as medicine! A medicine for when we ourselves want to exude that flamboyant zest and passion for life.

He smiles, I smile… he cries, I cry… there is something about this age… The age of innocence – before the world has had a chance to inflict its complexities!

He burps, he laughs – I laugh and that laugher is TOTALLY and UTTERLY infectious… I could squeeze him forever and watch his happy ways.

 

I could eat his happiness! And I do…

How do you fill your soul – so that pure joy radiates like a smile through your whole being?

For me… I keep it simple – I need moments of stillness and moments of absolute presence. Now listen up all of you multi-tasking super heroes, super Mummas and all round busy people…. Sometimes, we can’t do it all! In order to truly absorb any form of magic in life, presence is required, which means focusing on JUST ONE thing at a time.

Yesterday observing my gorgeous son, was what inspired me to write this… I was sitting in the car after I’d picked George up from Kindy and had about twenty minutes to wait for Ellie to finish school. I had plans of replying to emails, picking up voicemails and getting on top of communications etc. George was full of boundless energy and had this extra pizazz about him… I had a choice:

a) tell him to sit quietly while ‘mummy’ does a few jobs; or

b) forget the jobs for twenty or so minutes and engage play with my son.

I chose option ‘b’ and let’s face it – those of you reading this, let’s acknowledge that we don’t always (naturally) choose that option.

That twenty minutes of play, was a crucial foundation.  Those moments of play created a setting for the most relaxed and easy flowing evening. It was magic continued: I cooked, cleaned, washed, prepared for the next day – you know just the normal stuff – but I did it with ease and grace (and no yelling). The kids had more fun and were super chilled because I had too passed on my own piece of magic (chilled out Mumma). We all contribute to the moods and energy of others and we have a choice of whether that will be good or bad energy.

George had a gift to give and I openly received. Are you taking the time to solely focus on the present so you can be gifted something wonderful?

I know not everyone has a five year old, or any children for that matter, this was merely an example of how stopping, shutting down all the open tabs in my mind and truly just stopping – appreciating – and being… Your magic will come too. I can get a sense of calm and inner happiness simply by watching a tree blow in the breeze, watching all the branches bend and move with fluidity.  Or stopping just to hear my own breath.

So a big thank you to my gorgeous boy for pulling me momentarily out of my own ‘trance of life’ and inspiring this piece – my soul is still glowing.

All we have is now – choose to eat more happiness.

Bec x

There is Change Blowing in the Breeze

Change, adventure and growth are imminent and I am wide open, ready, trusting and living.

It feels like a slow, deep and appreciated sigh… one which offers release via exhaling. And with the next breath in, it is bursting full of energy, inspiration and I can’t help but smile.

I feel it tingle and raise the hairs on my arms with a hint of goose bumps – it’s a deep sense within, creating an outer release, feelings of excitement, exhilarated fear and fresh wisdom all at the same time.

New adventures can begin at any time, in any place, provided our eyes are open, our heart is accepting and our mind freely allows change without sabotage of overthinking patterns, which can be detrimental to growth.

When you think about it, life is one huge adventure, because it is a series of decisions, actions and plans that lead to micro and macro change based on which path you choose at any given crossroad.

Big (bigger than usual) adventures come every so often. Sometimes positively via actions or intentions of seeking or working towards great things… And then there are the adventures of which come that are out of our control; these life events or happenings beyond control are often seen as facing some form of adversity.

My family and I are on the brink of one of those ‘big’ adventures in life and this time, it is one of choosing (unlike cancer). It comes out of great consideration as it affects all of us as individuals and collectively as a family.

The empowerment that comes with such a huge life change is one of happiness, necessity to enable further or continued exploration of life, and one, which brings an eerie and overwhelming sense of peace.

In less than a week we are moving interstate and embarking on a completely new adventure…

There is change blowing in the breeze and I am ready! Ready to embrace this new space that has opened in our life and collectively as a family, nurture one another through the adjustment. As we ride this exciting AND scary AND awesome AND unknown adventure… it has opened a different phase that enhances our adventurous spirit to live life to its fullest.  Embracing with an open heart and truly appreciating the exploration  ahead, through our one and only precious life that we are so very grateful for.

Watch this space as I share through the journey of change and adjustment…

B x

Exist or Live?

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist that is all” – Oscar Wilde

I believe in trusting your instincts, breathing deeply enough to allow a sense of calm and living with absolute intention… intention for what?

Intention, which reflects gratitude, courage and hunger… hunger to live in a way, which makes your heart sing. Living intently to hear and chase your desires and dreams; and having the courage to dip your toes into the ocean of ‘life for the taking’.

What is life to you? Personally for me, it’s finding what makes me tick, being at peace with the realities of my own unique life and the challenges that I face and cannot always control. It’s the beauty of acceptance and the peace that follows when I surrender.

It’s learning to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’ and when to still my mind so I can hear what my heart is speaking. To do more than simply ‘exist’ requires extension and the removal of self-barriers. It’s a fresh set of eyes to see with less resistance.

True living happens or occurs through self-trust and an ability to sit with what scares you the most. It’s taking the layers of the societal ‘norm’ or looking beyond what we ‘perceive’ should be our next step in life. It’s looking within, trusting your heart, your intentions and with the greatest respect for our life and the opportunity we have to be alive… it’s about doing more than merely exist.

What scares you the most? Perhaps that’s where the secret key lies to finding or understanding your heart’s desires; where you may unlock your intention, your purpose and what may just serve you to do more than only exist.

B x