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Release…

This journal entry was written at four weeks post surgery (August 2018).  I allowed myself to get lost in words and let my heart do the translating.  I loved reading back over this. Vulnerability is so incredibly important.

______________________

Dear Diary,

Out of nowhere tears fill my eyes.  My heart swells and an abundance of ready tears roll down my face. My heart is broken yet perfectly in tact.  I think its disbelief?

It’s pain needing to escape because ‘everyday life’ can ensure our emotions stay safely clasped away.  Clasped away until the beauty of solace and divine timing loosen the clasps and allow those beautiful cracks in my heart to bleed and be freed.

The trickles down my cheek as the tears dry away… The remaining two to three drops fall at snails pace, bit-by-bit – so very present.  The cool bead of salt water that sits on my cheek represents so much:  harshness yet softness, fear yet readiness, pain yet acceptance, disbelief yet peace.

My heart feels relief when the tears flow freely – a trigger with no need for unravelling or explanation, the reason not required. Simply trusting in the magic of my own knowing, my own intuition and guided by my heart for the release that is required and when.

I need my soft and delicate tears, I need my vulnerability, I need to feel my pain, tenderness and I need to acknowledge my fears… For my spirit is strong, I experience adversity exactly how I choose and I get by without losing my soul as I have in the past.  The tears, they keep me grounded, they keep me soft and kind and open.

Without health we have nothing and when that is threatened and your pattern of disease has you fearfully questioning your future and the faith in your body, then it is my heart I hold and my spirit I use with the power of my mind to breathe, my senses, my gratitude and my being – presence.

One life, whatever will be will be and for this moment as I breathe deeply – the right now, well this is where you will always fine me – in the majestic sparkle and powerful magic of the present moment…

Where the past cannot hurt me; and

The future cannot scare me; and

I hold the cards of choosing – the cards of gratitude.

Only I hold my beautiful life in my tender hands as my heart beats to the magic of life.

I am.

Love Bec x

P.S. If you’d like to keep up-to-date with Blogtober, you can do so HERE.

 

© Copyright 2018 becbraid

Dear Diary… Farewell Breasts

Day 5 – Farewell Breasts

I remember writing this – I was at the sunshine coast on my own with three nights away from normal life, my routine and even the kids weren’t with me.  I’d been diagnosed one week prior.  This trip was planned as a solo ‘retreat’ just some simple time away, alone before I was even re-diagnosed… a gift that ended up perfectly timed.  It was a time for solitude when I was in the early days of facing breast cancer for a second time.  I didn’t know what exactly was ahead of me; at that point I was just taking day by day and emotionally preparing for my bilateral mastectomy.

A journal Entry… This was 2 days shy of my four year anniversary ‘cancer free’– and boy did falling short of that milestone hurt – It hurt so bad.

_________________________

28 June 2018

Dear Diary,

The remembering, the reminiscing and the present moment where I sit right now – Waves crashing meters away… Sitting calm, but knowing wholeheartedly that I need to write something down – the memories and feelings of my breasts.  How I feel about them now, before they are gone.

What I’ll miss…

  • The bounce and jiggle – the feeling when they’re squished and propped up in a Lorna Jane bra and I exercise… my feet pounding the pavement and my breasts dancing softly and fully to the movement.
  • Washing them and softly cupping them in my hands, a real feminine connection to myself (washing my breasts with my hands NOT A SPONGE is how I found my first breast cancer).
  • Rolling onto my side at night and their squishy warm comfort.
  • Lying on my stomach (whilst still a bit uncomfortable from my first surgery, totally doable if they’re positioned correctly).
  • The feeling you get when you release them from a bra at the end of the day… aaahhhh.
  • Rubbing oil across my chest and breasts each morning and night, feeling the warmth and moisture soak into my natural chest
  • Sexuality… when my breasts and nipples are caressed, licked, bitten… that insanely good feeling that shoots straight down… that sensation that tease, that explosive feeling of sexuality and womanly power that immediately turns everything on! What will I do without my two switches? (I know this point is a little X-rated, but seriously, this has been so incredibly difficult, it’s what I was most afraid of.  Not the visible appearance, but what my nipples mean to me, my womanhood and my sensual sexuality).
  • Putting an outfit on and positioning the ‘girls’ in a push up bra to sit in that perfect position, propped up yet still naturally soft.
  • When you forget to wear a supportive bra in RPM/spin class and you hit your first sprint… they feel like they might hit you in the chin and free themselves from your crop top!
  • When my friend used to envy my boobs in teenage years and tell me to “put those tits away, you make me sick” with that cute eye roll – secretly saying, “Girl, stop making me jealous” [You know who you are and I’m sure you’ll get a good laugh out of this one!]
  • Being paranoid after my first child thinking they were ruined forever… but then they got better!!
  • That memory with my first child when my milk came in, my bed was saturated and I looked down – my breasts were so swollen they nearly hit my chin and the nurse says, “Good morning Dolly Parton”.
  • Looking at my breasts lovingly as they change shape through the natural aging process, knowing that I fed my two beautiful babies made everything ok, I love them just the way they are.
  • That feeling I get when I look in a full length mirror naked and I feel whole and lucky and grateful – even though my tummy still has the effects of menopause and I’m no longer ‘ripped’ I’m soft and feminine and I fully accept myself.

A side note on ‘soft and feminine’: I once worked with the most incredible older man of retirement age, he was respectful, polite and warm, he had the aura of wisdom and I know he’d suffered a great loss in his life. I enjoyed his company and working along side such a gracious man. One day when a bunch of us 20 something’s female work colleagues were in the tea room, we were speaking about food, our best methods of exercise to keep shape etc etc and he so bravely interjected and said… “women should be soft and squishy”! [Love it!]

That very comment through times of weight gain due to menopause and various cancer treating drugs kept my sanity and self-love at bay! I didn’t use those words as an excuse but as a means of taking the pressure down a notch in a largely ‘out of my control’ facet of my life.

And so it saddens me that my soft, warm and squishy breasts and my ultra sensitive nipples will be removed…

I will reconstruct… though they will be hard and cold and I will have scars as nipples…

I will learn to love them, I will learn to love these foreign parts of me as my own, I will self accept and I will be kind to myself…

But for this moment… I will grieve the impending loss of my breasts; a part of me which makes me feel feminine, soft and squishy!

 

Love Bec x

P.S. If you’d like to keep up-to-date with Blogtober, you can do so HERE.

 

© Copyright 2018 becbraid

Hart Truths – Part 3

If you missed Part 1 and 2 of this blog, you can catch up:

Part 1 HERE

Part 2 HERE

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Hard Truth 4

Dear Diary… 19 August 2014

“When I’m happy, I seem to be REALLY happy, because to me these little moments of bliss are wondrous. I smile bigger and nearly feel like I could bounce around. It’s ecstasy. Because when I feel good, it’s an absolute blessing. I have now felt rock bottom, so I see a whole new happiness and embracement of life that I didn’t see before.”

*Hard Truth:  The Little things are the big things.

We’ve all heard the saying, “It’s the little things”, however, don’t just say it because you’ve heard it and you know what it means…  Often sayings like these are thrown about and not given any conscious thought – You need to truly FEEL it, you need to recognise these little moments of bliss that come to us daily.  These moments truly are what magic’s made of.

Reflection 1 (after first cancer):  I think I started to realise how important little things were more than I’d ever noticed before.  What I was experiencing with my illness were ‘GINORMOUS’ contrasts. When things were bad, they were rock bottom bad; they were highly emotionally ‘bad’ and I would feel desperate to escape.  On the contrary, when things were good, they were INCREDIBLY GOOD.  What made it good were those ‘little things’ the normal every day occurrences that truly began to shine for me – I became more grateful than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

Reflection 2 (after second cancer): I constantly ensure that I slow things down when I feel like life is moving too fast. A knowing sign that you’re missing the little things is generally when they annoy you.  What do you mean, I hear you ask?  Well, it’s our nagging children, or annoyance at household chores or being too worked up because we are ‘too busy’ and we ‘don’t have enough time’.  If we truly stop and be present and hear what our children speak, and throw ourselves consciously into our housework, laundry and work for example, you actually start to enjoy it.  Enjoying the mundane tasks of life truly reconnects me to my home and I become grateful for the roof over my head and realise that I actually enjoy being house proud and love to clean and tidy.  [That actually reminds me of the blog I wrote: Reconnecting with your home nearly two years ago  – It’s truly one of my favourites].

I also wrote: Eating Happiness which demonstrates an exact moment where I chose to appreciate George instead of doing twenty things at once and not truly anchoring myself to anything at all.  This one’s totally relatable if you’re a busy mum.

With regard to becoming overwhelmed by being too busy – stop and ask yourself if each of the things you have planned are actually things you are looking forward to. If they are – then slow things down and get in the moment, or they will pass you by and you will just reflect with emptiness because you were caught in ‘overwhelm’ instead of enjoying these wonders of life.

I challenge you Next time you are folding washing, hanging it out or packing/unpacking the dishwasher… practice presence… don’t think about anything else.  Feel the warm water on your hands when washing up, smell the fresh linen as you hang it out, look where the sun is and where a good place is for drying – feel the sun on your face.  Put each dish away in its place and simply do the task without thinking about what ‘next’ task you need to get done.  You’ll probably be more efficient AND you might even enjoy it.

That might sound so ‘stupid’ or ‘idiotic’ to some, however, THE LITTLE THINGS ARE THE BIG THINGS and when I was sick, all I wanted each day was the normal, boring and everyday ‘family life’, because to me that is hands down THE BEST! It’s those little things that are the greatest loves of my life and the very things I was petrified of losing if cancer were to take my life.  I always say, “Normal and boring are the best things in life”.

The Little things are the big things.

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Hard Truth 5

Dear Diary… An extract from my journal in 2014

“My life is compromised therefore I exist differently (to others).”

*Hard Truth:  We all exist differently… and that’s ok!

Don’t feel like you need to be like everyone else.  We are all unique individuals, chasing different dreams, fighting different battles, with different sets of challenges.  Exist as you are, be true to yourself and respect everyone’s individuality, internal struggles and their choices.

Reflection 1 (after first cancer):  I remember this feeling so intrinsically and still like it was yesterday.  When I was in the early stages of fighting my disease, I thought someone had put me in a glass box, I was isolated and I didn’t feel like I could relate to anyone. I felt like everyone else in the whole wide world had good health and I didn’t, I felt alone.  I felt like I was experiencing life at a distance, like my life wasn’t really mine… I was in limbo not knowing my future – but guess what??? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEIR FUTURE HOLDS. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  “All any of us have is NOW”!

Reflection 2 (after second cancer):  What this hard truth speaks to me now is absolutely individualism, but more importantly what we as individuals need from life.  What we need when we feel a certain way, what we need to succeed, to survive and to feel emotionally balanced.  One thing that has become a deep desire and furthermore a requirement in my life, is alone time.  I don’t need much of if, but it’s true, we all do exist differently as I depict in this hard truth.  We must ensure that we have time to check in with ourselves, so we can hear our own thoughts, to hear our heart’s desires and to simply just STOP and take check. I need this constantly to rebalance. I will talk more about ‘alone time’ during Blogtober 2.0.

I also know that it’s ok to have support from people who haven’t walked in my shoes. I feel it’s important that I too can offer support to others, even if I’ve not experienced their exact hardship. Too often I distanced myself because I felt there were others who had not felt or endured my pain – and sometimes this can be true… but it kept me so distanced, so removed, just like my first reflection, I was in a glass box and I couldn’t relate to the world anymore because I was lost in my own terror, I was petrified.  But you know what, despite our different challenges and life paths, be it adversity, careers, family life etc – we are indeed all different, and by setting that to ‘be ok’ in my mind and my heart, I was able to rejoin and relate to my friends, my family, my community, my life.

We all exist differently… and that’s ok!

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So what are those five hard truths once more?

  1. Life is a privilege, not an entitlement – no one owes you anything.
  2. Accept what is. Accept what you cannot change. 
  3. Life is not fair and just… AND NEVER WILL BE.
  4. The Little things are the big things.
  5. We all exist differently… and that’s ok!

I hope you enjoyed this 3 part blog series as much as I did reviewing, reflecting and adding to it.  It helped me immensely to revisit these ‘hard truths’ and I’m so glad I did as it’s been brilliant for my mindset and overall balance to re-instill these lessons I’d learnt back into my heart and mind.

Bec x

P.S. If you’d like to keep up to date with Blogtober, you can do so HERE.

© Copyright 2018 becbraid

 

Hard Truths – Part 2

If you missed Part 1 of this blog, you can read it HERE

Hard Truth 2

Dear Diary… 6 August 2014  (After my first chemo)

“I had been building on the mindset with regard to the drugs (chemo)… Poison or cure? The more I thought of poison the more negativity and anger pent up inside me, making me anxious and not ready! Not ready for what??? I want and need to be here, I love and appreciate my life, I need to fight and to do that I NEED chemotherapy!”

*Hard Truth: Accept what is.  Accept what you cannot change. 

[Rise to adversity and maneuver your way through the ‘detour’ until you find a new road].

Save your energy in fighting against what you cannot change.  Accept and adapt to whatever adversity has thrown you off course. I believe before my diagnosis I spent way too much time fighting against things that could not be changed.  I can also tell you first hand, that this causes unnecessary stress and illness.

Reflection 1 (after first cancer):  whilst you need to accept what you cannot change, you also need to give yourself an opportunity to grieve the loss of your life once known.  Change is difficult and I fluctuated between the good fight and the struggled/twisted/painful fight.  I did not learn these lessons instantaneously.  There is a process like anything in life.  I just knew in this instance that I needed to change my mindset – for example: instead of thinking about chemotherapy as poison, it was important that I saw it as my cure.

Reflection 2 (after second cancer): I talk a lot about acceptance (and surrendering) so much so that I have an upcoming blog devoted to this subject alone.  In addition to my initial reflection, similarly to chemotherapy, I had to change my train of thought when it came to losing my breasts in my second fight.  Instead of thinking it’s going to be a massacre to my body, a loss I wasn’t ready for – I needed to see it as a means of necessity and safeguard.  Finding balance with acceptance continues to take me to a place of peace.  If I didn’t accept some of the things that have happened in my life, then I would feel tortured, every-single-day!  Acceptance is not just a word, it’s not just a fleeting statement – for me, it’s a way of life.

Accept what is.  Accept what you cannot change.

 _______________________

Hard Truth 3 

Dear Diary… 7 August 2014  (Day 2 post chemo)

“Laying frustrated, trying to sleep, relaxation music on, face is hot, like I can actually feel my skin drying out each second. Trying my best to drink as much water as possible to flush toxins. My head aches, my eyes are sore and tired but I’m ok in my tummy. I feel weird, waiting for it to really take hold of my body, hoping… praying that maybe I wont get sick?! I just want to sleep but can only manage short spurts. I feel lazy, who lies in bed all day. I know I need rest but I’m not sure how to? I want to get out in fresh air but my body feels heavy, like every little thing feels a little harder to do. My neck is heavy and I just don’t feel light and refreshed but I am ok! I-AM-OK….  I-WILL-BE-OK…. I know I will be.  I-HAVE-TO-BE.”

*Hard Truth: Life is not fair and just… AND NEVER WILL BE.

Reflection 1 (after first cancer): Once I got over the fact that life had become shit really, really quickly, I found this little mantra a basic way for me to re-connect with my fight and become grounded… I would simply say to myself whenever I felt defeated… “I am OK”.  Quite simple really, however, because it is a present tense statement it is more powerful than you think.  I learnt to say this even if the fear of death entered my mind, because even if I was going to die or am going to die (we all are), I am STILL OK right now in this very moment.

Reflection 2 (after second cancer): Tears fill my eyes right now reading that diary entry… I remember it like it was yesterday and that’s why pain fills my heart.  I was frightened beyond belief, my body was failing me and my soul had died a little… I was giving into chemo through the physical effects I was enduring. I was allowing my mind to go down with my body.  Allowing these dreaded drugs to take hold of my emotional power.

I was feeling extremely sorry for myself, and rightly so, this was foreign territory, I didn’t know what to do or think.  I didn’t know if I’d ever feel like myself again.  As we experience more and more of life, we learn that at times, life is simply unfair.  We only have to look around our inner circle or our community, or turn on the news to hear of devastation, disease, pain and misfortune… I had to take ownership and claw back my emotional spirit and my power of choice, why?  Because life is not fair and just… AND IT NEVER WILL BE!!! I could still be living through the sentiment of, ‘life is unfair’, but the reality is, life is not fair for anyone and I didn’t want to drown in a pity party, that shit’s exhausting – and so I didn’t.

Life is not fair and just… AND NEVER WILL BE.

Day 4 (tomorrow) will complete the final Part of ‘Hard Truths’ – Stay tuned.

Love Bec x

P.S. If you’d like to keep up to date with Blogtober, you can do so HERE.

© Copyright 2018 becbraid

Hard Truths – Part 1

I wrote the initial blog ‘5 hard truths’ two years ago (based on diary entries from 2014).  Fast forward to 2018, I’ve since faced another breast cancer diagnosis in June of this year.  Over the past month I’ve had a chance to review and reflect on previous material from my blog.

It’s through the reflection of these ‘Hard Truths’ that brought tears to my eyes… Three-fold:

  • Firstly, it’s re-living that raw pain through the words of my diary entries and vividly remembering how I once felt (some of those entries, still break my heart).
  • Secondly, the reflection is with gratitude… I’m so freaking proud of how far I have come and how I’ve learnt to deal with fear and uncertainty.
  • And finally, I appreciate how these truths are still relevant to me, to you; to anyone, and these ‘truths’ I extracted from my experiences are timeless, universal lessons with relevance to any situation.

Furthermore, ‘5 Hard Truths’ was born through my experience of pain, suffering and indescribable fear – it’s through my real life experience and the lessons learnt from facing the fear of premature mortality and going through the relevant unpleasant and frightening treatments.

These ‘Hard Truths’ if you allow wholehearted acceptance of them – may resonate with your life too – AND perhaps set you free in some facets of life where you may be struggling.

My belief in these truths in addition to conscious, purposeful and present moment living has truly helped me stay above board.

So let’s get started…

[These diary entry extracts were written at the beginning of my first battle with breast cancer (2014).  We (as a family) were facing so much uncertainty and having no clue as to what would develop each day with regard to my diagnosis of aggressive grade three breast cancer.  Life felt incredibly foreign and frightening.]

Below you will find two separate reflections:

Reflection 1: Written after my first cancer.

Refelction2: Written since my second diagnosis in June this year (2018).

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Hard Truth 1

Diary entry: 4 August 2014 [2 days before my first chemotherapy].

“I can’t wake in the morning with the fresh feeling of a ‘new day’ like I used too. That feeling was a privilegethat has been ripped from me.”

“Most mornings I wake in a fright (gasping for air), sleep feels safer than being awake at the moment.”

“Distractions and fun/lovely things like seeing friends or going out for a meal are short-lived pieces of happiness that are bliss but then the stillness and quiet brings you back to your living nightmare!!! Anger be gone with you, I hate this. I want to smile and breathe again, I want my normality but deep down, I know life will never be the same again…. So let’s hope it’s f**king better!!”

*Hard Truth: Life is a privilege, not an entitlement – no one owes you anything.

A privilege should always be respected and therefore we should feel unending gratitude for our life.  Next time you go to whine about something… stop for just a second and ponder… become aware of yourself and aware of your thoughts.  What if you were to reflect gratitude for something instead of complaining? I can tell you right now, you will feel more fulfilled and gracious.  Negativity will leave your side and you will feel lighter in that moment.

A synonym for ‘privilege’ is ‘freedom’ and freedom is an absolute gift not granted to everyone.  Cancer in particular for anyone who has experienced it will agree 100% that it confines, dictates and can hold you back.  Cancer (and it’s treatments) can have a temporary control or hold over your every day life.

Please… Treat your freedom with the respect it deserves.

Reflection 1 (after first cancer): Although I was in pain and miserable about fighting cancer in the prime of my life with a young family to raise – I still dug really deep to find something I’m grateful for, to find the hidden message in the pain… to learn something.

Reflection 2 (after second cancer): This hard truth helped me beyond belief when I was diagnosed with cancer again this year. Instead of feeling kicked down and spiraling miserably down the usual path of emotional destruction… “Why me?” I simply thought, “Why NOT me?” none of us are exempt from illness – all any of us have is right now (present moment, cancer or no cancer).  I didn’t want to waste my emotional energy this time round with asking all the ‘why’s?’ Instead, I wanted to focus on my life, the reality of the situation and the privilege it was to still be here.  I was grateful that the cancer was picked up in my screening (granted though, still an absolute shock).

What’s most important, is that I still had the freedom in my mind to choose how I would take on this next battle and I saw that as a blessing – I was mentally stronger this time round.  Whenever I was afraid, annoyed or overwhelmed with facing this disease once again, I just focused on gratitude for all that was still great in my life and the life of my loved ones.  Gratitude for my life and my freedom albeit under threat of cancer once again, to me was an absolute privilege and this attitude and hard truth saved my emotional wellbeing.

“Every day may not be good… but there’s something good in every day” – Alice Morse

Life is a privilege, not an entitlement – no one owes you anything.

Stay tuned for Blogtober day three for the next part of ‘Hard Truths’.

Love Bec x

P.S. If you’d like to keep up to date with Blogtober, you can do so HERE.

 

© Copyright 2018 becbraid

Welcome to Blogtober 2.0

Day 1 – Welcome

I first created Blogtober in 2016, two years after my first breast cancer diagnosis. I set it as both a challenge to myself, which was driven by my passion as a young breast cancer advocate, as well as desire through my love to write.

[Since then, I’ve had a second diagnosis of breast cancer and am currently in the first stage of breast reconstruction post bilateral-mastectomy.]

You see, when I started to ‘Google’ information after I was diagnosed just after my thirtieth birthday, I couldn’t find any relevant information that pertained to my age category. Instead, everything seemed to be for women 50+ years of age. Even the statistics were not relatable. I found having breast cancer at a young age was incredible isolating. Not only there is a lack of information specifically relevant to a younger demographic, but there was also a lack of people to connect with.

As a result of successfully completing Blogtober in 2016, I ended up with a significant ‘catalogue’ of information that others could access. Not only young women, but anyone battling their own illness. What’s incredible is that I have now connected with not only women in Australia, but also women across the world. I have people contact me, ask questions and even have Skype chats. It feels so heart-warming to know that both they and I are not alone – and despite geography, we can still connect via the power of technology.

On top of that, what I didn’t expect to happen was that my readership diversified. It was not only sufferers of breast cancer, but also other woman (and some men) who weren’t in fact ill at all – my readers enjoyed my universal message, which is this:

“It is my ultimate goal to provide a healthy perspective on life, empower gratitude, raise awareness for young breast cancer and provoke thoughts of positive change.”

The reason I write and more importantly the reason I share openly, is not for the purpose of teaching or convincing. I share to help those who feel the same as me, feel less alone, to feel heard, understood, supported and empowered. I write to demonstrate to others that even in the most awful moments when you feel you have no choice, you actually have more choice and power than you think.

I write not only for and about breast cancer, I write to speak to anyone dealing with anything difficult – and that difficulty doesn’t have to be huge, it doesn’t have to be life threatening etc. Sometimes, life can feel ‘stuck’ or we can feel flat for no apparent reason. My words, through my own experiences are written to demonstrate a power within each and every one of us.

It took me two years to find my feet after breast cancer the first time. I had to completely break and fall apart in order to rebuild myself. It makes me so happy that I can now look more positively on unfavourable circumstances and still find peace, love and joy.

Why October? Well, In Australia, it is our National Breast Cancer Awareness Month so I saw it fitting to create Blogtober in 2016 and give it another spin this year with ‘Blogtober 2.0’.

I would love for you to join me on this next Blogtober adventure… You can stay up-to-date HERE.

Love Bec x

© Copyright 2018 becbraid

A Hiccup in my Reconstructive Process…

Three video diaries recorded on 19th September 2018

I’m sadly having a little hiccup in my reconstructive process at present <insert sad face>. My videos will explain what is going on.

Video 1 – On the way to my surgeon, I explain the hiccup/glitch/set-back I am experiencing and what I anticipate for that appointment.

Video 2 – Straight after my appointment – WARNING – I actually shed a few tears during this video, I thought I was ok, then I started talking and I realised I wasn’t.  It was an emotional release that highlighted that what I am am experiencing is extremely disheartening for me.

Video 3 – I check back in after the tears with a little more perspective and acceptance – Feeling a little more balanced and refreshed.

 

 

 

So there you go – there’s the latest with where I am up to on this crazy adventure that life through Breast Cancer has asked me to go on… Please pray/keep your fingers crossed that I can heal up naturally and get back on track.

I shall keep you updated.

Love Bec x

Tissue-Expander Fill – Breast Reconstruction

A video diary from 30th and 31st August 2018

Here you will find two video diaries where I take you through the experience of my ‘fills’ – my emotions, my thoughts and also an explanation of the overall process.

This is the first phase of breast reconstructive surgery post bilateral mastectomy to prepare the skin ahead of the exchange surgery in a few months.

Video diary 1 – 30th August – The night before my fill

 

Video diary 2 – 31st August – 10 minutes after my fill

 

Love Bec x

Too Much Too Soon

Sometimes we want to bounce back from various facets of life that have temporarily put the brakes on things.  For me, I found myself under the weather (as you will see in the below video diary) just shy of my 6 weeks post surgery.  Life had to resume to some form of normality (well so I thought) and I was jumping out of my skin to get everything in terms of family life and routine back on track, after I’d been down and out from my second diagnosis of breast cancer and my subsequent surgery for a bilateral mastectomy – I was just craving normal.

Goes to show, if we ‘jump’ too soon, our body will certainly pull us up.  Here’s my diary about the message my body sent me to ‘woo up’!  You just can’t rush some things – patience is a virtue!

 

Slow things down if your body is telling you it needs a break!!

Love Bec x

The Day Before My Bilateral Mastectomy…

Well the time has come where I am saying, “One more sleep!”  Tomorrow I embark on the first stage of kicking cancer to the curb for the second time.  Around lunch time tomorrow, I will be undergoing a bilateral mastectomy, sentinel node biopsy and the first stage of reconstructive surgery.

I’ve recorded another video diary during the blissful afternoon I had at home (alone).  I am so blessed that my family respected my need for space this afternoon to do what I need to do to get my mind ready for tomorrow.  In saying that, I wasn’t even sure what it was I needed to do, but my goodness I’m so glad I had some down time, some quiet time to myself.

You can even tell I was relaxed during the recording, because when I watched it back, I was talking soooooo slowly – so clearly I was very zen! Yay!

My afternoon that followed the below video diary was incredible.  I was able to cry, move slowly, pack my bag, listen to music, watch the latest episode of ‘Younger’ and just be and do whatever I wanted.  I currently sit with a warm cup of Tumeric tea while I wait for everyone to arrive home.  After I upload this, I just need to wrap some little pressies for both my children, so they get something special from me whilst I’m in hospital to let them know I love them and I’m thinking of them while I can’t be at home.

So here it is and I’m hoping post surgery I’ll be feeling up to my writing again (which is my true passion) – the video’s are just because I’m lazy at the moment and don’t have the mind space to sit and truly express how I feel.  Happy Thursday and I’ll be back, minus two breasts…. BUT most importantly MINUS CANCER!!!!! Let’s do this!

Bec x